the eye of the storm

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on spam

spam, wonderful spam...

At least eighty percent of all the email which I now receive is spam.

Eighty percent.

What gets me is that in theory this spam is supposed to be targeted. They are supposed to be getting my email from some marketing list somewhere which gives an indication of what my needs might be. Which means that the spam that I receive should reveal things about me.

I'm in trouble.

According to my spam, I am deeply in debt, unable to satisfy my wife in bed, in need of breast enlargements (could there be a connection here?), desparate for a date (which is hardly surprising), and could solve all my problems if only I would reply to those nice people from the Nigerian government who want to transfer millions of pounds from their account into mine...

Don't these people realise that I never read these emails? All right, I'll admit that I used to read the occasional one, just for a laugh, but I have now given up wasting my time doing even that. They get deleted as soon as I recognise them for spam (which isn't hard), and I know that anyone else with any sense does exactly the same.

But somebody must be replying to these things, otherwise no-one would bother to keep sending them. So who's doing it? Who's replying to these wretched things? Or is it some ever-changing stream of gullible optimists who try email marketing for a while, find out that it doesn't work, and drop out, only to be replaced by another gullible idiot, in a never-ending chain...

Whoever you are, stop it. Now. No-one wants to buy what you are selling. No-one wants your emails. Everyone hates you. You are clogging up the internet with junk, threatening to bring the greatest advance of the 20th and 21st centuries grinding to a halt through your thoughtless and futile greed.

And you are making me foam at the mouth, so I'll stop now before I start chewing the keyboard...